It's 3:43 am right now in San Antonio and I'm wide awake, staring across my bedroom to my wall full of cute puppy posters, wondering what the fuck?... Literally (not literally). It's been a year and 3 months since I made the incredibly drastic decision to up and move here from Jersey and I'm not sure if I've accomplished all I wanted to. It was a crazy thought I had one day. Why not move to Texas by yourself? Why not go almost 2000 miles away from every person you know in life, except one, and start over? It was a nice thought, I admit. But here I sit and I ponder what at all I really gained from this experience. The plan I originally had when I decided to move here was to spend a glorious year or two hanging out and experiencing life with my best friend. We'll call her Waffle for the time being. We met on Stickam ... Sigh. Now we need to have a moment of silence for our fallen beloved site.
Alright. Now that that's over, let's proceed. Waffle became my friend at the very beginning of 2011. I had just moved to Cali to stage a weak attempt at following my dreams. I failed. But, I did gain something amazing that I grew to cherish a lot. I gained an amazing best friend. I know there are a lot of skeptical people out there who can't really wrap their minds around loving someone you've never physically seen or spent time with. I can understand this thought process, but I've been through it enough now to know that it is possible. There are many different situations where long distance love and friendship do occur. And if you are lucky, you are able to extend that friendship into physical fulfillment as well at some point. I was lucky when the opportunity arose in my mind to gain that physical fulfillment we both thought we'd benefit from. There isn't a day that goes by when my Tumblr isn't blessed with a long distance relationship couple telling their story. I rarely see people telling their story about their long distance friendship that finally lead to an in person friendship, however, I know that she and I are not the first to experience this. We would definitely love to hear more stories about it. The more stories, the better, honestly.
But anyway, let the story continue. I did a lot to make it so that I could move myself to Texas to be close to my best friend. I fought off angry and skeptical family members who were constantly questioning my reasoning for doing such a rash thing. Part of me felt like I didn't have to explain why because I was 23 at the time and didn't need permission or acceptance from anyone. Another part of me felt like nothing I could say could explain my real reasons for moving. There were so many that my mind got way too wrapped up in the tornado of ideas. I felt overwhelmed by the questions and I couldn't really think straight enough to make myself seem logical. I wanted to just tell everyone that I was moving to get the hell away from them. But, that'd be rude and unkind, right? Truth be told, that was a reason why, but only one. I felt trapped. I felt lonely. I felt like I was being used by my family members. I felt like I couldn't really be myself and experience life the way I had envisioned for myself. I felt I needed a change. And at that time, this was my change. This was my chance. And I took it.
When I moved out to Texas, I felt amazing. It felt liberating to be on my own. No parents, no nosy family members, no one there that actually knew me and could judge and watch every little thing I did. It was like a fresh start but it was also very scary and intimidating. It only took me a week to realize how lonely it can be to live on your own. And it only took Waffle that long to realize that maybe, just maybe me being physically here out of nowhere, was a little overwhelming for her. A little background on the infamous Waffle. She was a freshly 21 year old who had been through quite a lot growing up. She hates to be stuck in the house, but only her own house and I'm sure there are people out there who can understand what I mean when I say only her own house so I'm not going to try and explain it. Her father is in the military so she's a brat. The only reason she was in Texas was because he came here for his job and she had to come with him, leaving her whole life behind. Another big reason why I moved here was because, her being so big on friendship and having people there for her, she crumbled. She lost her biggest support system, aside from me, and it hurt her a lot. She fell into this dark hole and I felt, as her best friend, I had some sort of unwritten law type of duty to help her out of it. And that's exactly what I tried to do when I got here.
Unfortunately for us, Waffle can be very complicated and tough. She's hard to figure out sometimes and not particularly open about her feelings so it became a difficult situation between us. We always had good times together though. We spent the summer enjoying each others company, going out, experiencing Austin and different clubs and festivals. We definitely painted the city as rainbow as we could. We had our good times and our really, really bad times, but there was always a lesson that we both had to learn from this experience together.
I've always been the first to acknowledge how hard long distance relationships can turn out to be. People get caught up in the lovey dovey phase online or over the phone and forget that the person they are getting to know online isn't going to be that same exact copy when things become physical. There are going to be things that get on your nerves more in person than they ever did online. Sometimes you are going to need your space and be too afraid to say it because of how perfect you want everything to remain. Sometimes you are taken aback by the feelings of fear you will feel from just seeing that person as an imperfect person. Everyone has flaws. We all know this. But sometimes we forget that the person we love has flaws. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in their excellence, that when the flaws start to appear after the honeymoon phase is over, we get scared and wonder what the fuck did I ever see in you? It's a glitch in the system if you ask me and some of us are better equipped to deal with this than others. I won't say who was better at dealing with the glitch between Waffle and I because honestly, it's still tough to see through all the bullshit.
I could say that at some point, she got tired of me, and at some points, I needed my space. I could say that all day because that's completely understandable in any friendship and relationship. But to pinpoint a moment in history and time where it first happened and to actually look deep into that moment to remember and acknowledge the feelings we were both feeling, would be asking too much. In my opinion, all we can do as humans is acknowledge that we are just that: Human. We make mistakes and we get scared. Hell, we get absolutely terrified of things we shouldn't sometimes. But it happens. And so, if I were ever to really give any advice to those who are transitioning from long distance relationships or friendships, I would just try to be as honest as possible.
Remember, as hard as you possibly can, in every single moment of your god damn existence, that we are all human. Let yourself be who you are destined to be and allow yourself to grow. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or who to be. As young people, we sometimes get caught up in trying to impress everyone around us and trying to keep everyone happy. Sometimes, we try so hard to do this that we forget to make our number one star player happy: Ourselves. In a life where we can really only control one single human being; that being yourself, we need to always remember that it isn't always selfish to look out for you. Because at the end of the day, what truly matters is our own happiness. I've been there and I've done that constantly before. I've seen everyone around me happy while I sat in my own misery.
If you are going to try to be with someone who lives far away. When you finally get to hold them in your arms or even just see their smile close up, don't ever take that for granted. Remember all of the good things when you get to that point where bad things start to show more than they used to. And unless they are just horrendously annoying and you end up hating their presence, give them the chance. And always give them the benefit of the doubt. Be honest and be free with yourself and you will be happier than you could ever imagine.
My best friend and I are striving to be better individuals for one another because we know that we lost sight of what was truly important. We both did. And now that we have gotten past that I think we have the legitimate right to speak on the issue. If anyone else has any stories, advice, or tips for anyone who is in this situation, feel free to comment. Thanks for listening and til next time.
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